is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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