I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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