what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
