seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
did i just pee glitter
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
