Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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