Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Shame - the story of my life.
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