if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
