What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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