Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
