Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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