Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
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