please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
This is classic penis vs brain.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
