does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
