She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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