I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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