my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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