All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
