I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
