i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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