I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
