Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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