I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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