Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
