This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
