I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
