I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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