Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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