drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
