Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
