this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
