i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
