There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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