Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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