watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
