Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
