I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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