I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
