he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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