Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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