I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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