I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
