I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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