Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I need mimosas to revive my soul
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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