the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
