He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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