i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I bet he comes in French.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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