He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
