I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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