I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
