Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize