So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
