I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
