I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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