I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize