I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
