I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
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