i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
