Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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