we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
