i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Randomize
