Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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