make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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