this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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